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Have you ever been around someone with incredible energy that you just want to be around? I call it magnetic presence and it goes far beyond the words they say. The question is: are some people just born with it? Or can you cultivate the skill of presence?
Today I want to expand our typical conversation about speaking to a broader talk around how we show up in business AND life. Because creating a magnetic presence will not only help you attract your ideal customers, it will enrich your personal relationships.
This episode is about awareness and intention for how to show up as your best.
When it comes to speaking, it's more than just our words. Words alone are only a fraction of communication. It's how we say those words and all of our nonverbals that brings meaning and emotion. We convey huge amounts of information this way.
Imagine for a second there’s a giant pie chart in front of you and there’s three slices of that pie. This is how we communicate with other people. This pie comes from a study done at University of Southern California by Professor Albert Mehrabian in which he concluded the effectiveness of spoken communication and the power of nonverbal communication.
You might be surprised that the distribution of these three pie slices are not equal and what surprises most people is just how unequal they are. It shows that only 7% of all communication is done through verbal communication whereas the nonverbal component of our daily communication such as our voice and body language make up 38% and 55% respectively. Here’s a detailed representation of Mehrabian’s research:
So where does this all come back to you?
Words matter but we need to pay more attention to far more than just the words we are using to communicate with people. Know that when you strip away the other ways of communicating, the body language and the tone and the way you say it, you lose the ability to convey your intentions.
We'd love to add more personality to how we show up and communicate with others thinking that we need to come up with cute little quirky sayings and all this extra stuff but what if our personality is just how we spoke? Could you use Marco Polo or turn on your cameras on a Zoom call? How much better do you think your communication could be if you added a little bit more context, ie, video / audio message?
People can hear your enthusiasm and see your compassion so I want you to remember the power of showing your face when doing a video or even just an audio experience. It gives them more context and helps them get to know you and your unique personality.
It's not your responsibility to make sure that everybody likes you and knows you have the best intentions but instead think of how you can be more intentional and show up consistently at your best. We all have a duty to communicate in a way that matches our intentions so think of how you want the person to feel when you're delivering a message and does your voice and face match it?
Every day for the next seven days, do one moment of presence with another person. You can choose if it's life or in business. Make sure to look at your calendar and see what conversations or who you are seeing today and how you can do one thing to be a little bit more present.
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Previous Episodes mentioned:
Checked out my earlier blog post here to help you present with IMPACT
My friend, welcome back to another episode. Fun fact, I am recording this in batch. I just did my rally sermon on y'all from last week which by the way if you have not listened to last week's episode, might I encourage you to not only go back and listen to that, but that might be an episode that you want to like save somewhere for those moments that you need a little kick in the tush. Let's just go back to that. But today, okay, so this episode, today y'all is inspired from something that I taught at a live keynote I delivered in Portland. At the time of this recording, it was last week but when you hear this, it'll be a couple weeks. I had the chance to speak on stage in Portland at an amazing event. Shout out to Tanya, if you're listening. She put together a group called Equip and Empower. It's designed to bring business women in Portland together to create community of other business owners to be able to cheer each other on and support each other and network and just come together and it was so much fun.
What I wanted to share with you today is around the idea of owning our presence. That sounds really fluffy so let me translate for you. Have you ever had a moment where you are around someone who you can tell is just in a bad mood and you want nothing to do with it, right? You like instantly slink away from them. Conversely, have you ever been around with someone that you're just like, man, I love their energy. Not like that they're like in your face all hyper and excited and they're too much. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about someone when you're around them you just feel energized. There's something that's interesting and insightful and they're happy. And it's not just about them being happy, they create this environment, this aura around them that feels really good. There's this energy about them that's electrifying in a really positive way. Not like I said in your face, rah-rah kind of way. There's this magnetism to them.
I want to talk about this idea of presence and how it's really easy for us as business owners to be quote-unquote onstage when we're in business, ie, if we're on a zoom call, or we're doing a webinar, or hitting record on our podcast or on someone else's podcast, like when we're on stage. Granted I don't want to undermine the fact. It's hard y'all and I teach y'all how to do that with purpose and how to do it where could come alive and you connect people. But besides all that, I want you to think about how little effort we put into how we speak, and how we hold our bodies, and how we hold our resting not so nice person face when we're offstage. You see, so many people want to talk about how to become a more dynamic speaker so they can grow their online business. But today, I want to have a bigger conversation around your presence in business but also in life. Oh, yep. We're going here today.
Okay, if you're not new to me and what I teach, y'all know, I'm a speaking coach. I'm a business coach, a marketing coach. You could just call me or coach. We talk about life, business, marketing, all those things around here, but one of the things I talk about a lot is when we, I had to think about it. What am I talking about all the time? I don't know.When it comes to speaking, it's more than just our words. It's how we say those words and all of our nonverbals. If you've ever seen me teach a workshop I draw this pie chart and let's just imagine for a second, I want you to pretend there's a giant pie chart in front of you. If you want to imagine it being an actual chart or actual pie, that's even better. So holding a delicious, let's say chocolate mousse pie in front of you. That pie is how you communicate with other people. So we communicate to other people all the time whether it's in business, or on a sales call, or on a stage, or in a conversation with a team member. We also communicate to our kids, to our spouses, to our moms, to our way to the grocery store clerk, right? We communicate all the time. Holding that pie in front of you, I want you to imagine there's three slices of that pie. There's three ways in how we communicate. One slice is the words that we say. Another slice is how we say those words so our pitch, our tone, our pace. Y'all know I talk really fast around here. Our variants in our voice, our condescending tone versus our happy tone, all of that is how we say it, right? Third slice of the pie is our nonverbals. Our body language, our facial expressions, our side eye, our raised eyebrows, our hunchy shoulders, our tapping of the toe, or checking of the watch. All the nonverbals we do that's a form of communication.
If you're new around here, you might be surprised that the distribution of those three pie slices are not equal. What surprises most people is just how unequal they are. Now what I'm talking about here, this pie comes from a study done at University of Southern California by Abraham Mel. I always forget his name. I'm gonna link to it in the show notes because I can never pronounce this guy's name. But he's a professor, I think at Stanford. I should know these things off the top of my head. I'm always talking about the pie chart I always forget to. I kind of memorize the guy's name. Side note, side note for myself, I gotta get better at that. It's in the show notes. But he did a study in the 1970s where he talked about when it comes to communication that has an emotional related message which honestly we're human. So I interpret this to be pretty much everything we talk about especially when it comes to marketing and having conversations with other people but it stands to be true as this. The pie slices are not equal. And in fact, they're very much not equal. One slice is the words you say which only accounts for 7%. The next slice, how you say those words accounts for 38%. Add those two together and you only have, you have less than half of the pie leaving 55% of that pie is our nonverbals. It's our body language.
Typically when I communicate this to someone they think a couple things. One, they might be thinking holy crap balls like that, like it's only 7% is our words. I have a case in point. I just scream holy crap balls. The words were important, right? But how I said that conveyed a more important message when those blended together but the words, do not misunderstand me or misinterpret what I'm saying here. Words matter, right? The wrong words will screw you over, like they can get you in trouble. The wrong words can be very confusing, right? We talk a lot about strengthening our speaking muscle, being more clear and articulate and more powerful with our message but what we cannot forget is the words are just like the baseline. How we say the words that's what brings the words like meaning and emotion and all those contextual things that we interpret when someone communicates. It's why, if you've ever taken a really ridiculously embarrassing a long time to write an email. Guilty. I have emails that like sit open for days back in corporate because I just, I didn't want them to come across in the wrong way. Can you relate with that? Well, it's because when we strip away the other ways of communicating the body language and the tone, just the how we say it, we lose the ability to convey our intentions. And when it comes to communication, we feel that intention is so important. It helps kind of forgive the not getting it quite right when we speak.
So where does this all come back to you today? You talk to a lot of people. I would imagine every single day and I would probably bet you do a lot of that virtually. You use digital devices for communication, maybe you text a lot, maybe you do a lot of messaging. For me, I have elevated how I speak to people on Instagram by doing voice messages. I love doing Voxer. It's a voice messaging app. I'm getting ahead of myself here. But what I want you to think about is take inventory for a moment the different ways that you communicate with people and ask yourself the question is, are you using that communication method because it's easy and convenient, or is it truly the best way for you to connect and convey your message with the other person?
So for example, I have a couple girlfriends, gal pals, Krystal and Mel. They've been on the show before they have quickly become two of my absolute best friends and I've met them both in real life I think once. But since we started a friendship, I literally never seen them in real life. We have never been talked on the phone. Our entire world is through the app, Voxer. It's because I hear their voices and talk with them every single day. We've built that relationship through audio messages. I can't imagine but the three of us in a room, holy cow, the body language, the chatty. They would just be crazy. Coming soon, 2022, the three of us all get together. But I bring this up because I wouldn't have as powerful relationship with the two of them if we just did texting. I mean, it could be very close but the connection that happens when you add the audio component. I mean, just think here for a moment, you listening to me. Podcasts are some of the most powerful ways for you to build a relationship with another person. I want you to think about this for a second. Can you remember, maybe it's not my podcast, but you probably have some other podcasts you listen to you. I bet you remember specific things that people have said that have had significant meaning to you. I bet you can remember exactly where you are. I remember the time I first heard Tyler McCall on Amy Porterfield's podcast talking about I think it was Instagram stories. I don't remember exactly what he was talking about but it's using Instagram. And I think it was DMs or something about stories and I remember the exact path I was walking on my morning walks. I remember when Amy was talking to I can't remember the dude's name but it was about SEO. I remember the exact corner I was on that was turning when she was having a part of that conversation.
The thing about the auditory experience, the thing about people's character and their voice, the smoothness of their voice, the shrill bass up there boys. I don't know how to be shrill. I have a very low man voice but that there's something so specific about it that it draws us closer. In fact, I know for me and I would imagine it's true for you too. I feel like I am friends and know the person in my ears. I was gonna say earbuds but if you're new around here, I don't wear earbuds. I can't wear earbuds because I wear hearing aids. So I have a wonderful luxury of being able to stream anything into my hearing aids for my phone which is amazing but it comes with the cost that I'm very hard of hearing and I can't hear you if I take out my hearing aids. There's a little side note of Heather Sager. So when I say your pods, it sounds very weird because it's not true for me. Anyways, when you're streaming something to your ear devices will say there's that auditory experience so let's stop here for a moment.
I want you to think about how you're showing up with your audience, with your friends in business, with your team right now and think about how you communicate. How much better could communication be if you added a little bit more context, ie, video? Could you guys use Marco Polo, or turn on your cameras on a zoom call? This is the power of showing your face when you're on video, doing video or even hack just an audio experience. It gives people more context. It helps them get to know you and your unique personality. All these people are talking about adding more personality thinking that oh my gosh, we got to come up with cute little quirky sayings and all this extra stuff but what if your personality was just how you spoke? I mean, I don't want to toot my own horn but I will too, too. I have a lot of character in my voice. When you listen to this show, I hope I make you laugh now and then. Sometimes it's just by stumbling or making fun of myself but there is a distinct way in how I communicate that is absolutely my personality. Have I always been this good at being so charismatic with my voice? Hell no, I've had to get better at it but it's it's like a signature for me. When you listen to me you know what you're getting, you know it's going to be entertaining and helpful and you're going to need to grab a notebook and write some things down that come to mind. I'm probably going to say something funny that you're going to spit out your coffee and be like, Oh my gosh, earmuffs to the kids. We're going to go on an adventure together, but my voice how I speak just an audio form. I mean, heck, put the video with this, it's a whole party with my hand gestures but how I speak is an experience. You have that same opportunity with your audience, with your customers, with your team.
People can hear your enthusiasm. People can hear your compassion even just elevating by adding audio can be really powerful. I know I hear a lot of resistance from people sometimes that Heather, I don't want to turn on my video camera, or Heather, I only do my hair one day a week. That's fine. Are you making it to absolute where it has to be all or nothing, right? It only has to be text or it has to be a video. I don't know what would it look like for you to infuse some audio into your life. Sending a voice message to a customer. Like I said, I love voice messaging on Instagram. It's such an easy way. If anybody asked me a question, I'm gonna respond, most likely, unless my kids are screaming in the background, most likely in an audio. Why? Because I want people to hear that I actually care when I'm giving the answer nd I'm not just giving them a canned copy and paste generic thing. I want them to actually hear from me because you are important. If you take the time to send me a message, I want you to feel that I care because I do and that comes out with my voice.
Bringing this back to presence, I say this all the time. You were the best asset for your brand. How you bring your brand to life is by showing up for it and it can't just be your copy. So if you're obsessing over, get all the words right, we'll work on that. We'll get your messaging down. You'll keep practicing. Remember to keep doing the daily word vomit activity. If you don't know I'm talking about go back to episode number two where I teach you how to articulate your thoughts. I think it's number two. It's like the one of the first two episodes. Seriously, most popular activity ever is word vomiting. I know it sounds terrible and amazing. Do it. It'll help you get more clear with your words.
But today I'm making a challenge. I'm issuing a challenge to you and it's to be to be more aware and take more ownership of how you communicate. One of my pet peeves is when someone is just like, I'm a direct communicator, like take it or leave it. This is how I am. I I say no. I choose to opt out of that mediocrity. Oh, that sounded terrible. I don't mean to sound that so snarky but here's the deal. We all have a duty to communicate in a way that matches our intentions and when we do the, let me see if I can give an example here. If I didn't put any warmth in my voice and I just talked to you like this and I just told you what my opinion was fact whatever else and just told you to make a decision how, oh my god, I can't even say like that. How pitchy do I sound right there, right? That was terrible. If I took the warmth out of my voice, it completely changes what you experienced. When someone tells me a straight shooter, take it or leave it, this is how I talk. I call that I'm so sorry if you've ever said this, but I call that frickin lazy because here's the thing, you have a responsibility when you communicate, to put some intention behind it. If you are say I'm a take it or leave it person, this is just how my face looks, this is just how I talk. Well, did you know your face could smile? Did you know your voice could sound warm? Because here's the thing, we could do the whole take it or leave it, that's just how I am thing. But the question is, do you want people to actually hear you? Do you want people to actually listen to you? And I know there's going to be exceptions to this so please hear me and I'm not saying this is all absolute. But I think in general, especially when we're speaking to give feedback to our team, or we're trying to give feedback to our partners, we're trying to get our kids to pick up the motherfreakin shoes for the 11th time. If we're trying to bring in an element of persuasion, right? We're trying to get somebody to understand where we're coming from, or buy into our idea, or give them direction or answer their question. I want you to think about, how do I want the person to feel when I'm delivering this message and does my voice, does my face, match it?
Today's episode is about taking ownership of your presence, taking ownership of how you show up. Wow you can't change what people think about you, how they interpret your message. It's not your responsibility to make sure that everybody likes you and that you make sure that everybody knows you have the best intention. I hope that you hear me with this. That's not the point of today's message. But what it is about is us having more responsibility for our part in communication because when we become more aware of our resting nice person face or when we become more aware of when we don't like an idea, if that comes out in our voice, is that really going to help you to person buy into our opinion? Probably not. It's not just about the words we say it's how we say that. And as business owners I think it's really important and that we become more clear on how do we want to be seen.
One of my favorite activities, you've probably heard me do this before, but it's so powerful yet so simple and I would encourage you, if you haven't done this lately, do it for yourself. Ask yourself the question is, when I am at my best, when I'm in front of a group, or in a conversation with someone else, when I am at my absolute finest, what are the three words that people would use to describe me? Questions for you, what are the three words people would use to describe you when you're at your best? Is it warm, empathetic, compassionate, helpful, inspirational, resourceful, whatever words come to mind for you. What I want you starting to think about is how can you be more intentional, showing up consistently at that best. You see it showing up at your best, quite frankly, it's not as much about the words, although again, have the right message, right? We'll work on that. But what I want you thinking about as you head into this week, how can you start being more intentional with your presence and how do we do that? It's by our voice, our tone, our body language. We show people that we're listening, that we're present. That's the difference between sitting next to someone who's so stressful and busy and they're in a rush and they have to get stuff done and they're so focused versus someone who's next to you and they ask you, hey, how's your day? Isn't it beautiful outside? Oh, man, I'm so excited about this thing we're about to go to. I don't know whatever scenario is happening there. But someone who they can be excited, you can be excited, you can be passionate. But the the stress and the business. And the Oh, so much is happening and all the world is so hard right now, when everyone's negative. That is killing your mojo baby. So presence is about awareness. Starting with how do you want to show up, followed by? How do you make that happen? today's conversation is about having more ownership around your voice, how you slow down a bit, how you may be able to pick up your pace a little bit when you speak, because you're making people fall asleep, you need to show some excitement in your voice, maybe you have some variation in your tone a bit because he ended up on your videos. You'll notice this actually. I mean, if you want to do a little case study here, let's do a little case study here. Go back to the last episode and listen to the first five minutes of the episode, just somewhere in the first five minutes, just go to it. And you'll hear like in the first minute, you'll hear how mellow and soft my voices and then I want you to pick go into the last five minutes, pick a spot somewhere in there, five minute like five minutes from the end, go there. And I want you to visibly and like audibly hear like whoa, the difference in the energy level of presence. There was a crescendo on that episode. But what I want you to specifically point out is notice how softer and more mellow and quite frankly a little bit more boring my voice was when I started. Our voice changes the more we get in a conversation and we need to be aware of that and that's one of the things that I do.
So now go into this episode, I started this episode at a much higher level energy because I just got off the last one. One of the benefits of batching y'all. I'm beep bumping around here on a couple different things because I want to get your brain firing off of some ideas here. How can you put this into action for yourself? I want you to think about two things. Number one, we're probably actually on number 17 right now but number one and this school of thought. I want you to start thinking about how am I communicating with my clients, with my prospects, with my team? Think about in your business, with my peers, with my vendors? How am I communicating with other people and it's how I'm speaking and is how I'm holding my face when I'm listening on a zoom call on a mastermind, or I'm showing up for office hours for a program you're in, or you're on a sales call, what's your face look like? What's your energy look like even when you're not speaking? Does your face look like when you're on zoom and you're not the one speaking? Check it out y'all, like I want you to start thinking about how can your presence be powerful and magnetic all the time. Okay, it's not gonna be all the time, right? But more often can you show up at your best then just as best sometimes and have it be mediocre the other times. That's thought number one, I want you to start becoming more aware. And today's conversation isn't to tell you all the things to do. It's just to allow you to become more aware of showing up as the best version of you.
Number two, and this is the one I really wanted you to hear today. I want you to start asking the same question of yourselves when you're not working in your life. We created these businesses because we had this dream for having more has to say goes freedom and flexibility and to build the life and business we love, right? That's what that all says online. That's what the whole chill building online business touts out and it's a lot of work. And whether or not you're in your business full time or you're still working and you're the side hustle, the chances are is when it comes to work, you have a lot going on, I would bet. There's a lot to be done. The schedule is busy and it takes a lot of energy, and attention for all of those things to happen. The question is, are we giving the best versions of ourselves to strangers on the internet, to our clients, to our prospects, to peers in our mastermind? Are they getting the best of us. And then when we quote-unquote, leave business, so for me that's walking out of this office door which is a guest bedroom in my house, walking out to greet my kids when they come home or I go pick up my little one from daycare, or my son comes home from his after school program, my husband walks through the door, how are we communicating with the people in our real lives that we love the most? And the big question is, what are we communicated them beyond our words? Our tone, our level of excitement. Is the love and the feeling coming out? Are you just freaking exhausted and they're getting the scraps of your energy? You might not have a lot to give at the end of the day especially if you're walking through a hard season of your business. Let's be honest, the last 18 months have been so freaking hard and it might feel very overwhelming to be like, oh, I have to give us more energy. You don't have to. You get to choose what you do but the thing is you're going to work through your day regardless. So the question is, would you feel differently through your day if you were looking through the lens of love and appreciation and wanting to show those around you that you really cared? Maybe that's just the body language, maybe that's stopping and making eye contact with your partner when they come home from work or when you're both end your day. I don't know what that looks like for you but I do want to encourage you don't forget the stuff when we talk about becoming more magnetic, becoming better communicators, becoming more present, this is all awesome for business and we can jam on that all day long but don't forget about the lives we create outside of it. The reason why we're doing it. How do we give them that best version of us too and I'll be the first one to say I do not execute all these wonderful technicals deliver exercises on all the speaking things. My husband still laughs all the time that I'm a speaking coach because I ramble and I talk circles and sometimes they will have one thought and mid thought I will switch to another subject. I am all over the map when it comes to conversations with he and I but put me on a stage, I added a lot, right? But we don't always show up in the same way, right, because at home we can be our freest, truest, most sweat pantsy self and Oh, thank goodness for that.
But this week, I want to encourage you for just a moment, I want you to remember those who you love the absolute most. What would it look like this week for you to give them that love? Sounds so cheesy but, and how you look at them. In your body language does your shoulders slouched and you look exhausted? Or could you, what would it look like for you to show someone that you were excited to see them, a genuine smile? Wrapping them in a real hug? Not just like that sight out the door kiss? Like, what would it look like for you to really be present. I'm not talking about a big long thing here just a moment. So this, my dear, is my challenge for you for the next couple of days. I want you every single day. Actually, we'll do this. We'll make it a seven day challenge. Every day for the next seven days, I want you to do one moment of presence with another person. You can choose if it's life or in business. But I want you to look at your calendar and see what conversations or who am I seeing today and how can I do one thing to be a little bit more present? So maybe that's taking a breath before you jump on a zoom meeting and not just going through the same old same ol, how are you busy, busy?How are you? How are you? Could you slow down and say I'm so excited. I'm looking forward to our meeting today. How are you? Just that moment of presence. Is it engaging with your husband, or your wife, or your partner, or your best friend, or whoever it is that you are excited to see tonight? Could you look at them and pause? Be present with them and ask them. I've been so excited to see you all day. How was yours? Oh my gosh, this great thing happened. How could you really in one moment in your tone, in your words, and in your body language in your highest? How can you give them the gift of your presence? It's so cheesy. But oh my gosh, we get cheesy sometimes around here, y'all. But the most precious resource we all have is time and I believe taking the time to be more intentional with how we communicate with other people, giving someone the gift of our presence, our attention, our real presence. That's a powerful thing. It's so much more powerful than I think anything else you can give. Can you give someone for the next week, just that one moment of presence? I want to hear how that transforms your energy, your attitude and your overall mood. I can't wait to hear how it goes. Be sure to send me a message on Instagram. Tell me, what are we gonna call it. We're gonna call it the "Presence Challenge." This is not an official challenge y'all. This just a challenge I'm issuing here because I think we all could use a little bit more love and positivity in our lives and I think this is a way to do it.
Alright friends, I hope that you found today's message powerful, practical, and I can't wait to see what you do with that. Remember, you've incredible message to share but also your time, attention and presence is powerful in itself so go give it with love. Go make an impact on others both in your business in your life, and I can't wait to talk with you again next week.